'resolutioners'

         I think, whether we're prone to writing down concrete resolutions or not, we are all apt to reflect on what we can change in our lives when a new year rings in. I am no exception and while I don't set much store in a full life turn-around occurring with an arbitrary date, I see no harm in using it as a time for a fresh start. With my finals schedule ending blessedly early, I've actually had quite a long holiday break and as it comes to a close it finds me fairly restless. Tomorrow my long lazy days come to an end when my father drives back to my city to cart me around to grab groceries to stock my cupboards and see me frenziedly clean my apartment. But I'm looking forward to it. Without the structure of work or school I end up left to my devices for too long and I get restless and idle. My muscles are stiff because my crazy prior semester saw me abandon my yoga and regular gym schedule. I'm a little more tired from heavy holiday foods and little to no coffee. So, naturally, finding myself a little shriveled and tired from too much free time I find myself planning on little things I plan on getting back to with my winter semester just around the corner. 

~

          My physical health needs to take a priority again. Between not eating enough and finding time to get my heart pumping and muscles burning I lost a lot of muscle and flexibility and I definitely didn't sleep as well as I did in months prior. I miss my muscle-ly legs and ability to hoist myself into headstands. My skin has been suffering as well, drying out with another cold atlantic winter sweeping in. So I have planned for early rises to get in gym time with my jam-packed schedule. Food wise I want to cut back on processed food and and try eating close to plant-based and continue to keep caffeine to a minimum. Skin wise I'm going to revamp my whole routine and find a new evening ritual to get my skin back to glowing.

~

          My mental health also deserves to be taken care of a little more in the new year. Just being a generally anxious person than most I need to absolutely make the time to cut off screen time in the evenings and have a restful night-time routine in place where I can light a candle, grab a cup of calming tea and write down my reflections of each day. Being naturally introverted means I am apt to bottle things up and carrying everything doesn't allow for mental clarity. I also pledge to myself that if it turns that I cannot seem to do my mental health justice on my own, I'll make the time to turn to a professional.
        Another mantra I plan to live with this year is the idea that while connecting with people is something I love doing, since I am pretty social, it doesn't mean that everyone deserves a seat at the table of my life. I tend to be very quick to invest emotional energy into other people rather than knowing the limits of my psyche and often expend too much into being a doormat to other people at the expense of my own worries. I often feel a lot of guilt there because I often feel obligated to put myself out there for other people in every possible way but I need a gentle reminder that saying 'no' when I need to and picking and choosing where I invest myself doesn't make me a bad person, just one with priorities. This year is about choosing the things that are best for me and bring my dreams forward, rather than being dishonest with myself and others. Doubting my gut and intuitions and my own abilities to achieve my dreams doesn't do anyone any favours, myself especially.

~

             Lastly my financial standing is also going to become a priority. The plan is to pick up a part time job and be a 'real' adult and open a savings account. I do in fact have student loans but they only really cover the cost of living. I'm tired of having to overly plan ahead for social events or dating, or things like studying abroad taking an absolute back burner to my bills. It sounds like a simple goal but focusing more on becoming independent and finding new ways to take care of myself is something that is important to me. 

            So my goals are few but they entail a lot more smaller tasks and organizing than I wanted to lay out here. Something about writing it down always makes the possibility of success more real, somehow. I hope the new year finds you in good stead.

xx. r

in my autumnal graces

                So, as it is, I haven't touched this blog since a couple days before term started and I was compelled to sit down when an unusually quiet moment of this semester found me. As I right this, I'm simmering butter chicken on the stove top (albeit, I didn't make the sauce), and reheating tarka dhal I actually did make, while vegetable roast in the oven. The narrows of my house are quiet except for the hum of the dryer and the sky outside the kitchen is splintered with a cold sun shower. Through that the sky is a that lovely shifting shade of pink white and I can't stop strolling through our living room to look at how illuminated the harbor is. The bank across the water is finally showing a multitude of fiery umbers, crimsons and rusty browns and I too finally feel autumnal.

                   This semester picked up at an insanely fast rate and a lot changed in the time between my last post and this one. I got an offer to write for an independent publication. I became much interested in the politics of the province and where my place lies in the beast of democracy. I started volunteering in a research lab, where I watch the bustle and goings on of the honors and grad students and help out where I can. I settled into life downtown and am getting the hang of a routine.

                   Which is sort of what brought me to this post. I have been slacking in sending some thankful vibes to the universe as of late and sitting in my kitchen in the quiet contentment of scene I just painted I realized that compared to this time last year, I was in such a different head space. Not even a bad one per say, but definitely not one that held as much bubbling enthusiasm for the future or general fulfillment. Academia is one of the easiest bubbles to get wrapped up in, fretting over where you're to relative to everyone around you but I feel like I wouldn't be paying myself the dues I deserve in saying "hey, it's not perfect but what it, and your trending upwards, sugar."

It's been that kind of day. I'm off to be more productive and write about metaphysics. G'night.

xx.

r

melancholia

          I find myself in a quiet moment between the hustle in getting ready for term to start again (only 2 more days, good lord) and as always, I'm wrapped up in a lot of nostalgia and apprehensive feelings.
There are aspects to this that are old hat now; the trek to go pay tuition, familiar bus stops and the enjoyment of grocery shopping on my own, not to mention the more aesthetically pleasing and quirky views of my new neighborhood. The more things change the more they stay the same, however. Looking back on each move I've made, marked by the end of each academic year, I really am struck by the fact that I'm in a much more radical space and mindset than I was a year, two years ago. Previous ponderings I had earlier the summer meant had me enthusiastic for the start of term and perhaps it's because           I've been floating free of the structure I'm used to or something else but I'm a little disenchanted with the reality of moving back to town again. My fault, of course, as I am prone to romanticism. But, it's this summerly move that throws light on the thoughts that I try to avoid. Chiefly, that I'm fearful that at some point home will stop feeling as such. Is it me that's changed or it? Maybe this is just the fact that I feel a bit like what I suppose a snake or lizard feels like in the process of shedding old skin. Awkward and peeling and then of course the new skins feels too tight. I'm not sure where my head is as of late. The fact is that I am also desperate to forget or acknowledge my 'old skin', not because I still want to be that person but I suppose I am afraid of forgetting or that the best parts of my former self, life, etc. will disappear and I won't know what to do. 

           I've read that oft piped phrase 'home is not a place' many times now and I don't if I fully agree. Perhaps yes, home is expressed and felt in certain ways and remembered in certain faces or things but in that same vein, it is a specific set of faces, a specific scent in the air, a specific bedroom and well walked tile floor and familiar trodden paths. I am afraid that I cannot take enough pictures or imprint certain angles of my parents garden and the trickling brook I grew up splashing in enough or that some winds of life will whisk me away too far that I can't ever go back to that slice of the ocean that I know as my own.

             I've been writing this post over the span of a couple days and with a good night's sleep and a fresh perspective my dramatic flair has calmed a bit. I know this is something always lurking in my mind but I think I need to find other ways of capturing this sense of home, whatever that may mean. Maybe it'll be through recipes, well worn through generations, or more memories from my mom, or calling my brothers more often. I know this is something I need to explore, I just need to figure out how. Today gave me a cold autumn rain and I'm enjoying packing my knapsack for classes and anticipating being back on a schedule again. Here's once again to new beginnings. 

xx.

r.

touching base

          So, this is basically a faux weekly musings, if truth be told. I've been doing a lot better this summer documenting little snapshots of my day and rather than wait for a weekly summary I want to archive and frame these little snapshots while I have the moments fresh in my mind. In the same nature of my gratitude jar, I want warm, hazy memories to look back on when we're covered with snow once again. 

[left to right]
1. the peonies have finally bloomed in my mother's garden - they're honestly my favourite flower with their over the top bursting of blushing petals. if/when I get married that's what my bouquet will be: a lush pick of peonies. 
2. my parents moved their bedroom from the groundfloor to upstairs and the blue room downstairs is slowly but surely transforming into a cozy space full of records and books. but the addition of a print from one of my favourite paintings makes me like the room all the more.
3. I popped into the cafe I used to work at in highschool around the closing hours and ended up having a nice chat and a drink listening to lou reed with my former employer. i had also forgotten about his extensive collection of whimsical china ware. 
4. another shot of the beach from the walk along the water I mentioned in my last post. my crap phone camera does nothing to do the illuminated water justice but I thought I'd try. 
5. & 6. the view from my bedroom was a pretty good vantage point to snap shots and watch the twisting thunder clouds that caught us off guard a couple days ago.
7. & 8. two more beach shots - I couldn't resist. the waters of the atlantic were actually cool versus frigid and I was more than happy to hop around the (albeit slightly slimy) rocks for awhile. 

9. abandoned archway - I unfortunately don't know much about it or the building it stands in front of off the top of my head but I like it nonetheless. 

[left to right]
1. myself and the family drove up to clarenville to do some back to school shopping yesterday and my loveliest momma was kind enough to treat me to a duvet for my bed to bring back to town in a couple weeks. it's like sleeping wrapped in a hug. 
2. my horticulturalist parent's crop of strawberries have been candy sweet and absolutely perfect to pluck from the vine whenever wander around to our back yard. 
3. after telling my father that I wasn't particularly fond of porkchops, he went and proved a point by cooking one perfectly that I loved along with cous-cous and mushrooms & peppers. 
4. the blue room book cases illuminated by evening sunlight. one of my favourite views.
5. mussels were on sale. enough said. paired with white wine and great bread & butter it's pretty much the perfect appetizer in my mind. 
6. another pretty tea cup from the aforementioned visit to the cafe. 
7. sunny day views lying under my maple tree. 

hope august is finding you all well n' good. 

xx.

r   

sea salt bath

       After predictions of further rain keeping everyone tentatively indoors all week (despite said rain not ever showing up) me, myself and I decided the glowing and calm evening that showed up could not be wasted and I tried in vain to get someone to go for a walk along with me. Alas, I could not and I ended up trotting along by myself. For a good hour, I ended up walking along the water front with a coffee and marveling (not for the last time in my life I'm sure), at the perfect golden glow the late evening sun cast over everything, giving foliage and fauna alike the most amazing back-lit golden glow. As I am wont to do when left to my own devices, I ended up sitting on the beach that faces the open harbor. It had been ages since I'd been on a walk here on my own and I'd forgotten how much the shush shush of water on rock calmed me. I can't even put into words the quality of August light in Newfoundland, you really just need to see it for yourself.  Toes curled in the surprisingly pleasant Atlantic, not a breeze in the air; it really is one of my happiest places. 

         
           Painting this tranquil scene leads my to the actual point of this post which is that any time spent solo by the seaside usually puts me to pondering. I'm generally a fairly introverted and solitary person and this summer has been no different. Not to say I'm not social, but I'm more than content to spend time alone. But having severed a few different connections over the past few months has brought some forced perspective, as it were. And, being around certain sights, sounds and and smells of home brings nostalgia to the surface of my mind. These mindsets paired made me poke around the corners of my mind and in a round about way I left the beach to continue my walk feeling more like my old self than I have in awhile.

          I shouldn't say old self, probably my more authentic self. As I've mentioned in other posts, a lot of adult life has left me feeling cynical, jaded. I often worry that things won't or can't inspire me in the same way they did when I was 16 and had nothing but ideas and daydreams ahead of me and to worry about minor responsibilities. I've garnered that over the past few years I've limited myself in a myriad of ways, which, while sad to acknowledge is also useful. People have complimented me a lot of different things through the years, my writing, voice, haircut, etc. And of course, I always say thank you but have I really meant it? Have I truly been taking to heart these commendations of these extensions of me? No, is my answer. 

          Beyond my own internal struggles, there really hasn't been anything truly stopping me from pursuing, molding and refining my skills and passions. If I was asked to wager as to why, I believe it's a toxic combination of laziness and perfectionism. I've never had the natural drive to chase after something to begin with, and, once I see someone else do 'it', be it art, writing, performing, what you will, I automatically think 'clearly there's no point trying now, since I'm not going to attain that level of skill'. As the oft quoted Roosevelt said: 'comparison is the thief of joy' and it's a point I need to be better at reminding myself of. Truly, I'm awful. Mostly because I have the ground work of opportunities many don't: access to post-secondary educations, good health, supportive parents, a great scene of cultural artists to admire and use as inspiration. Essentially I need to learn to stay in my own lane and do the best I can with what I have, whatever that may be. The other more brutal truth is that I needed the time to reflection and once again remember that no one else is going to do the work for me. No one else can go seize the day in the way that I want to but me. In reassessing the ways I would like to define myself, it's part of that contemplative process to regard the journey to these long term goals as worthy of me too. It's not a waste, since all my days regardless of how close or far I am to particular goal or dream, are well intention-ed and worth something to me.
                Of course, I can easily predict I'm going to have a bunch of off days in all of this, but I've purposefully set aside some time to focus on nurturing these parts of myself and really coming into my own in the way I deserve. Remembering that I read somewhere once 'be the version of yourself you needed and looked up to when you were 12' has helped. The dragon-loving, book-inhaling, ceaselessly inspired younger me wants to see future me write a book(s), poetry, travel, learn new languages, master yoga, cook like a pro and embrace good vibes all around.

xx.

r.