oh happy day

          So, after a very long haul and nervous wait, I finally received my acceptance letter to study Psychology as my undergrad at uni. This has taken me two long years that were filled with enough doubt and nerves and unmotivated moments to last me for a long time. I know to a lot of people, this isn't even that big of a deal. But it represents a lot. The learning curve for adjusting to university life, the higher and more intense levels or work and independent study were very new and hard for me to grasp. And this was on top of some personal stuff my first year that made my general mental health during this time very difficult. I ended up failing a pre-req course and feeling like I didn't belong in this academic environment at all. Everyone else around me seemed to have their shit together (which is another issue for another post) and I felt like I was never going to find it in myself succeeding in that environment. Being in the classes I'd already heard a lot about, conducting research, all of this felt so elusive and it was really frustrating to want it so much and not be able to succeed in the ways I had wanted.

         Admittedly, there is still room for improvement, but I know I put in a lot of tedious work and committed to a lot of trial and error in figuring out what works best for me to study and learn best. Slower than a lot of people, for sure but I am insanely proud that I did this all on my own. As previously mentioned, this is and was very new to me. I didn't have to work much to get good grades in high school and as a result had pretty poor time management and independent reviewing skills, along with very few decent study methods. The 'studyblr' side of tumblr revealed a plethora of interesting study tips, routines and ideas and I adopted as many as were practical, invested in a day journal and told myself "you get one shot at this, this is just short term pain for long term gain". I went out of my way to find relevant volunteer work, which also ended up giving me excellent friends as well. To be honest, though this year had its painful moments, and times of personal growth and change that were ugly and difficult and hard it has been an amazing one that gives me a lot of hope, optimism and excitement for where my life is heading.

        My general plan is to put my nose back to the grindstone and really kick ass with my initial research and design courses, and put more courses towards my minor as well, because after my first year I'm eligible to apply for the Psychology Honours program, which I'll need to do if I want to apply to graduate school. The other option is too also apply to the co-op program (alternate studying semesters with paid work terms in relevant psychology fields) but I'll need to talk to my adviser before I make any decisions there. I also want to lay the tracks for graduate work by getting more relevant volunteer hours and hopefully get some lab experience before getting official references and such. I mean, god, if I'm being honest this amount of work is intimidating and scary as hell but I'll be damned if I don't take it all by the horns and try because I'd be doing myself a disservice by not giving it my all. I'm eager to work, and I want to learn new things and be open to all kinds of paths and dedicate myself because this is for me, and for my future. Am I the determined, intelligent, impassioned person I think myself to be if I don't work my damndest?

Here's to a challenging and productive future; cheers.

xx

r.

LUSH Wishlist

        As mentioned in my (very) recent previous post, it's raining here, pouring in fact, and has been overcast for the past few days now.  Stuck-in-the-house blues have me compiling a wishlist of things I'm going to get the next time I splurge at LUSH and boredom is making me archive that here.
        I'm a huge fan of LUSH products, mostly because I'm enamored with all the different scents each product has and it always feels so luxe to treat myself with their stuff. And, while it's summer now, I'm looking ahead to another cold and drying winter here on the Rock and in anticipation of a whole different type of blues, I think having an extravagant beauty/shower/bath routine will do a lot to combat that.

1. Jungle Conditioner - My hair has a lot of difficulties with conditioners, they're usually too heavy and leave my hair really weighed down and sort of greasy looking. Which is an issue for someone who styles their hair pretty much everyday, too just try and pile more product on top of that. But, the last time I made a LUSH order, they sent me a Jungle sample and I loved it for the fact that it is so light weight and I love the smell. 

2. Karma Solid Perfume - I might as well admit it here that I'm a huge granola, with a hidden affection for all things bohemian-esque. I've been looking to invest in a new scent and Karma is admittedly drawing me in with a description boasting, patchouli, sweet orange, and lemongrass oils. I'm a sucker for heavier, warm perfumes and something heady like this seems perfect for fall and winter. 

3. Seanik Solid Shampoo - A few things have gotten me really snagged on wanting to try this. One, the bright blue colour. Two, the idea of a solid shampoo in general (apparently they are more economical, plus excellent for traveling) and the scent, yes, the scent, again. One reveiwer describes it has having a distinct 'ocean' smell which I am so here for, and LUSH itself is more specific with lemon oils, mimosa, and jasmine. Plus, winter-fighting ingredients again, with Irish moss and nori seaweed, both which are volumizing as well as moisturizing. 

4. Herbalism Cleanser - I've actually used Herbalism before, in an attempt to control my acne when it was really bad and was hooked on the earthy, herb-y, tangy smell of it. I think my first go with it I was using it too frequently but my intention for it this time would be as a mask and weekly exfoliator.

5. Sultana of Soap - Those harsh Newfoundland winters I mentioned before? Yeah, they get exacerbated by the lack of moisturizing shower products on the market. Yeesh. The goats milk soap I use through the rest of the year is fine for exactly that, seasons where I'm not whizening up. So I specifically went looking through Lush's stocks for a soap that was moisturizing. Sultana boasts coconut oil (which I already have a love affair with), dried currants and apricots, rapeseed oil and the loverly' scent of Bergamot and Olibanum. I'm honestly pretty sold. 

6. Flying Fox Shower Gel - I'm admittedly just a sucker for trying out different shower gels to suit whatever mood I'm in and Flying Fox had jasmine, ylang ylang, and palmorosa oils, cypress oil too and honey to moisturize. Sounds sexy to me. 

7. Silky Underwear Dusting Powder - I already have another one of Lush's dusting powders, Vanilla Puff and love it for it's myriad of uses. I've found it especially useful in these warmer seasons to brush on your skin to absorb any sweat and stop chafing. Between your things, across your back, that irritating under-boob area, anywhere really for general skin silkiness. The only reason I want a different one is that I wasn't sold on this particular version of vanilla scent. There's a note to it that I can't quite put my finger on that I find sickly, but Silky is jasmine, vetivert and shea which is much more up my scent-alley.  

8. Tiny Hands - Another tool in the fight against hard n' cold winters here. I admittedly also have a problem with consistently wearing gloves. I have a weird 'thing' with mittens because they make my hands feel constricted and running to and fro around town and to campus means I'm usually fumbling with my bus card, earphones, day planner, etc. So, I often forgo gloves and end up with dry hands and cracked skin around my fingers. I tried a number of moisturizers that claimed to be heavy-duty but they were pretty ineffective, but the reviews on Tiny Hands have me hopeful. This wee bar contains shea and coca butter, argan oil and aloe vera and a vanilla plus. marigold scent.

Thanks for indulging in some mindless consumerism with me here tonight, kids.  Here's hoping I can find room in the next couple pay checks to order at least a  few of these beauties. Off to drink tea and watch Harry Potter, and work on textile project (which I'll be posting about soon)

xx.

r.

Tenenbaums

         Because today I watched the Royal Tenebaums while tucked up on a rain afternoon I wanted to drop in and say I'm now thoroughly obsessed with this scarlet Scalamandre Zebra wall paper. Please, someone be a dear (and generous benefactor) and buy me some so I can decorate my flat to equal warm, kitschy glory? Can we also just take a moment to  just appreciate the general aesthetic of all Wes Anderson films? Okay? Okay.

xx

r.

transitioning is ugly

So, in typical Rachel fashion, some of the bigger events of my recent life had more meaning and brought to surface other thoughts and conflicts than I had realized.
Post-breakup and post-move, I realized I've crossed some sort of line. I mean of course, moving away from home and starting attending post secondary was a change but I still always had my safety nets and ties to home. The people I was with, the majority of my relationships even after I had moved were still people I had known growing up. So the change was change, but not extreme change.

Your twenties are tagged as the years you're 'figuring yourself' and I can agree with that. It's also messy and embarrassing a lot of the time because you're still at that point where you still don't have the experience under your belt to ~know stuff~ so, for me anyways, I find it is so damnably  hard to work past the bad moments to focus on the better parts of the person I'm becoming. It's not often that twenty year olds gets reminded of that.
So many of my peers and I get consumed with school, work, relationships, holding ourselves up to whatever bar we've set and that's what life becomes about. Of course, you have to hustle to succeed in whatever it is you're pursuing but I feel there's a certain cynicism, or depression that tempers it and not in a good way.

I was browsing tumblr (yes, as always) and a lovely picture of this bright, white homey looking flat appeared on my dash. My instantaneous thought was "At one point in my life, I wouldn't be afraid to dream and strive to have something like this." Yes, it was something a shallow as a nice apartment but the statement is still true. When I was 16, the world was full of possibility, as it is for all naive 16 year olds and I was comfortable wanting certain dreams. After a couple heartbreaks, losing connections, and transitioning to an adult world with responsibilities I didn't have at that age, I feel I've become a bit jaded.  Admittedly a lot of these life experiences have worn me out. I'm not scared to admit that I'm not quite where I pictured.
This is coming off very maudlin, I'm sure. This isn't to say there haven't been moments of laughter and happiness, not at all, just currently my 'big picture' feels off, and I want to change that. I'm not really sure how but I know it needs to happen. The zeal I had for life, the optimism and  confidence I had in myself is not what it was and I miss that part of myself. I miss feeling like my place in the world is and was completely legitimate and that I contribute by being me. It starts by being brave and trusting that things will work out. This is not to excuse that I won't put in the work when it's necessary or that I'm going to unaccountable for myself but I need to accept that while there are things that are ultimately out of my control, I will be okay.

xx

r.