oh happy day

          So, after a very long haul and nervous wait, I finally received my acceptance letter to study Psychology as my undergrad at uni. This has taken me two long years that were filled with enough doubt and nerves and unmotivated moments to last me for a long time. I know to a lot of people, this isn't even that big of a deal. But it represents a lot. The learning curve for adjusting to university life, the higher and more intense levels or work and independent study were very new and hard for me to grasp. And this was on top of some personal stuff my first year that made my general mental health during this time very difficult. I ended up failing a pre-req course and feeling like I didn't belong in this academic environment at all. Everyone else around me seemed to have their shit together (which is another issue for another post) and I felt like I was never going to find it in myself succeeding in that environment. Being in the classes I'd already heard a lot about, conducting research, all of this felt so elusive and it was really frustrating to want it so much and not be able to succeed in the ways I had wanted.

         Admittedly, there is still room for improvement, but I know I put in a lot of tedious work and committed to a lot of trial and error in figuring out what works best for me to study and learn best. Slower than a lot of people, for sure but I am insanely proud that I did this all on my own. As previously mentioned, this is and was very new to me. I didn't have to work much to get good grades in high school and as a result had pretty poor time management and independent reviewing skills, along with very few decent study methods. The 'studyblr' side of tumblr revealed a plethora of interesting study tips, routines and ideas and I adopted as many as were practical, invested in a day journal and told myself "you get one shot at this, this is just short term pain for long term gain". I went out of my way to find relevant volunteer work, which also ended up giving me excellent friends as well. To be honest, though this year had its painful moments, and times of personal growth and change that were ugly and difficult and hard it has been an amazing one that gives me a lot of hope, optimism and excitement for where my life is heading.

        My general plan is to put my nose back to the grindstone and really kick ass with my initial research and design courses, and put more courses towards my minor as well, because after my first year I'm eligible to apply for the Psychology Honours program, which I'll need to do if I want to apply to graduate school. The other option is too also apply to the co-op program (alternate studying semesters with paid work terms in relevant psychology fields) but I'll need to talk to my adviser before I make any decisions there. I also want to lay the tracks for graduate work by getting more relevant volunteer hours and hopefully get some lab experience before getting official references and such. I mean, god, if I'm being honest this amount of work is intimidating and scary as hell but I'll be damned if I don't take it all by the horns and try because I'd be doing myself a disservice by not giving it my all. I'm eager to work, and I want to learn new things and be open to all kinds of paths and dedicate myself because this is for me, and for my future. Am I the determined, intelligent, impassioned person I think myself to be if I don't work my damndest?

Here's to a challenging and productive future; cheers.

xx

r.

On Breaking Up

not mine; credit to artist

After a year and eight months together, my boyfriend and I mutually decided that we were no longer heading in the same direction and connecting in the same way and then, I was single. Simple and yet wholly complicated all in the one go.  
I am in the process of trying to be kind to myself and healing. 

I wanted to use this space to kind of reflect and share what I've been using in this process to see it as growth and a new beginning. All endings and all goodbyes are difficult no matter what way you try to package it.

i. allow yourself to mourn - I assume that no matter how short or long your relationship was, there was an initial reason you were in it and a bunch of good memories that you still have. Allow yourself to recognize that this is the best decision for your long term self but that your present mind and heart should be allowed to be upset and cry and be angry or deal with this transition in whatever way. 

ii. don't lose yourself to grief - While in the process of grieving do not lose sight of the long term; I suggest giving yourself a deadline. Comfort food and living in your pajamas or succumbing to whatever vices it is that one has only feels good for a short period of time. Don't let that drag out. 

iii. keep the chattiness to a minimum - Use your support systems by all means, but airing your dirty laundry to any joe who will listen is not only disrespectful to the relationship you had but it could come back to bite you in the ass. It's a natural response to want to find life boats in hard times but pick and chose who knows the details.

iv. pick up yoga - This is a specific suggestion from yours truly. I finished my practice this morning with the intention of self love and felt very restored and peaceful at the end of it. This might not be your cup of tea, but I suggest trying it. Just physically being in touch with your body and inner self and acknowledging your feelings is healthy.

Not mine; credit to artist

v. write - for some it'll be a big temptation to keep stringing out contact with your ex but unless you absolutely have to, don't. Give at minimum 60 days. In the mean time, start journaling. Vent those feelings, write impassioned and angry letters to your former partner. Not all these thoughts need to actually be voiced to anyone but again, acknowledge them. 

vi. make new goals - Whenever one comes to you writer it down. I don't care if it's some small habit you've been meaning to instill in your daily life or jet setting off  to Amsterdam, writer them down. Focus on yourself and the person you were and are before you were part of a unit. You're still that person and try to see this as a time of nurturing and tending to your goals and interest. 

vii.  find new things to focus on - It's a weird feeling to realize that a lot of your music and shows and foods were shared and associated with your partner, so that you try to sit down and watch Better Call Saul and are only plagued with memories. Compile a list of new shows to watch, and better books to read and new routines to form. I'm not trying to beat a dead horse but remember you were single at other points in your life and still enjoyed all sorts of things all on your own. Come back to these shows and songs when you're ready.

vii. don't rebound - I honestly don't care how attractive your new...attraction is: it's not worth it. Even if you don't think your breakup was particularly messy it's probably not a good idea to inflict/invest yourself in another person just yet. I know that it's tempting to find another source of affection but really, take this time to focus on loving yourself and being comfortable alone first.

other ideas: ¨ buy new underwear ¨ on that note, maybe buy new sheets ¨ rearrange your room and change its decor ¨ pet an animal ¨ prioritize your physical health ¨ if you're feeling blue a little too frequently, start having kick-ass one person dance parties ¨ get in touch with nature and take a long walk, swim or hike ¨ buy a little trinket and 'marry' yourself, with some self-love vows ¨ invest in a new perfume/signature scent ¨ create a new project to invest your time in ¨ look into EFT tapping ¨ for the love of god, avoid stalking them on social media ¨ don't seek revenge-sex with their friends, just don't (buy a sex toy instead) ¨ allow yourself to cry and/or scream when you need to

That's all for now babes, hopefully you're all doing wonderful and that you'll see more of me here now that uni is out for summer break - lots of light and love.

r.