sea salt bath

       After predictions of further rain keeping everyone tentatively indoors all week (despite said rain not ever showing up) me, myself and I decided the glowing and calm evening that showed up could not be wasted and I tried in vain to get someone to go for a walk along with me. Alas, I could not and I ended up trotting along by myself. For a good hour, I ended up walking along the water front with a coffee and marveling (not for the last time in my life I'm sure), at the perfect golden glow the late evening sun cast over everything, giving foliage and fauna alike the most amazing back-lit golden glow. As I am wont to do when left to my own devices, I ended up sitting on the beach that faces the open harbor. It had been ages since I'd been on a walk here on my own and I'd forgotten how much the shush shush of water on rock calmed me. I can't even put into words the quality of August light in Newfoundland, you really just need to see it for yourself.  Toes curled in the surprisingly pleasant Atlantic, not a breeze in the air; it really is one of my happiest places. 

         
           Painting this tranquil scene leads my to the actual point of this post which is that any time spent solo by the seaside usually puts me to pondering. I'm generally a fairly introverted and solitary person and this summer has been no different. Not to say I'm not social, but I'm more than content to spend time alone. But having severed a few different connections over the past few months has brought some forced perspective, as it were. And, being around certain sights, sounds and and smells of home brings nostalgia to the surface of my mind. These mindsets paired made me poke around the corners of my mind and in a round about way I left the beach to continue my walk feeling more like my old self than I have in awhile.

          I shouldn't say old self, probably my more authentic self. As I've mentioned in other posts, a lot of adult life has left me feeling cynical, jaded. I often worry that things won't or can't inspire me in the same way they did when I was 16 and had nothing but ideas and daydreams ahead of me and to worry about minor responsibilities. I've garnered that over the past few years I've limited myself in a myriad of ways, which, while sad to acknowledge is also useful. People have complimented me a lot of different things through the years, my writing, voice, haircut, etc. And of course, I always say thank you but have I really meant it? Have I truly been taking to heart these commendations of these extensions of me? No, is my answer. 

          Beyond my own internal struggles, there really hasn't been anything truly stopping me from pursuing, molding and refining my skills and passions. If I was asked to wager as to why, I believe it's a toxic combination of laziness and perfectionism. I've never had the natural drive to chase after something to begin with, and, once I see someone else do 'it', be it art, writing, performing, what you will, I automatically think 'clearly there's no point trying now, since I'm not going to attain that level of skill'. As the oft quoted Roosevelt said: 'comparison is the thief of joy' and it's a point I need to be better at reminding myself of. Truly, I'm awful. Mostly because I have the ground work of opportunities many don't: access to post-secondary educations, good health, supportive parents, a great scene of cultural artists to admire and use as inspiration. Essentially I need to learn to stay in my own lane and do the best I can with what I have, whatever that may be. The other more brutal truth is that I needed the time to reflection and once again remember that no one else is going to do the work for me. No one else can go seize the day in the way that I want to but me. In reassessing the ways I would like to define myself, it's part of that contemplative process to regard the journey to these long term goals as worthy of me too. It's not a waste, since all my days regardless of how close or far I am to particular goal or dream, are well intention-ed and worth something to me.
                Of course, I can easily predict I'm going to have a bunch of off days in all of this, but I've purposefully set aside some time to focus on nurturing these parts of myself and really coming into my own in the way I deserve. Remembering that I read somewhere once 'be the version of yourself you needed and looked up to when you were 12' has helped. The dragon-loving, book-inhaling, ceaselessly inspired younger me wants to see future me write a book(s), poetry, travel, learn new languages, master yoga, cook like a pro and embrace good vibes all around.

xx.

r.