in my autumnal graces

                So, as it is, I haven't touched this blog since a couple days before term started and I was compelled to sit down when an unusually quiet moment of this semester found me. As I right this, I'm simmering butter chicken on the stove top (albeit, I didn't make the sauce), and reheating tarka dhal I actually did make, while vegetable roast in the oven. The narrows of my house are quiet except for the hum of the dryer and the sky outside the kitchen is splintered with a cold sun shower. Through that the sky is a that lovely shifting shade of pink white and I can't stop strolling through our living room to look at how illuminated the harbor is. The bank across the water is finally showing a multitude of fiery umbers, crimsons and rusty browns and I too finally feel autumnal.

                   This semester picked up at an insanely fast rate and a lot changed in the time between my last post and this one. I got an offer to write for an independent publication. I became much interested in the politics of the province and where my place lies in the beast of democracy. I started volunteering in a research lab, where I watch the bustle and goings on of the honors and grad students and help out where I can. I settled into life downtown and am getting the hang of a routine.

                   Which is sort of what brought me to this post. I have been slacking in sending some thankful vibes to the universe as of late and sitting in my kitchen in the quiet contentment of scene I just painted I realized that compared to this time last year, I was in such a different head space. Not even a bad one per say, but definitely not one that held as much bubbling enthusiasm for the future or general fulfillment. Academia is one of the easiest bubbles to get wrapped up in, fretting over where you're to relative to everyone around you but I feel like I wouldn't be paying myself the dues I deserve in saying "hey, it's not perfect but what it, and your trending upwards, sugar."

It's been that kind of day. I'm off to be more productive and write about metaphysics. G'night.

xx.

r

melancholia

          I find myself in a quiet moment between the hustle in getting ready for term to start again (only 2 more days, good lord) and as always, I'm wrapped up in a lot of nostalgia and apprehensive feelings.
There are aspects to this that are old hat now; the trek to go pay tuition, familiar bus stops and the enjoyment of grocery shopping on my own, not to mention the more aesthetically pleasing and quirky views of my new neighborhood. The more things change the more they stay the same, however. Looking back on each move I've made, marked by the end of each academic year, I really am struck by the fact that I'm in a much more radical space and mindset than I was a year, two years ago. Previous ponderings I had earlier the summer meant had me enthusiastic for the start of term and perhaps it's because           I've been floating free of the structure I'm used to or something else but I'm a little disenchanted with the reality of moving back to town again. My fault, of course, as I am prone to romanticism. But, it's this summerly move that throws light on the thoughts that I try to avoid. Chiefly, that I'm fearful that at some point home will stop feeling as such. Is it me that's changed or it? Maybe this is just the fact that I feel a bit like what I suppose a snake or lizard feels like in the process of shedding old skin. Awkward and peeling and then of course the new skins feels too tight. I'm not sure where my head is as of late. The fact is that I am also desperate to forget or acknowledge my 'old skin', not because I still want to be that person but I suppose I am afraid of forgetting or that the best parts of my former self, life, etc. will disappear and I won't know what to do. 

           I've read that oft piped phrase 'home is not a place' many times now and I don't if I fully agree. Perhaps yes, home is expressed and felt in certain ways and remembered in certain faces or things but in that same vein, it is a specific set of faces, a specific scent in the air, a specific bedroom and well walked tile floor and familiar trodden paths. I am afraid that I cannot take enough pictures or imprint certain angles of my parents garden and the trickling brook I grew up splashing in enough or that some winds of life will whisk me away too far that I can't ever go back to that slice of the ocean that I know as my own.

             I've been writing this post over the span of a couple days and with a good night's sleep and a fresh perspective my dramatic flair has calmed a bit. I know this is something always lurking in my mind but I think I need to find other ways of capturing this sense of home, whatever that may mean. Maybe it'll be through recipes, well worn through generations, or more memories from my mom, or calling my brothers more often. I know this is something I need to explore, I just need to figure out how. Today gave me a cold autumn rain and I'm enjoying packing my knapsack for classes and anticipating being back on a schedule again. Here's once again to new beginnings. 

xx.

r.

touching base

          So, this is basically a faux weekly musings, if truth be told. I've been doing a lot better this summer documenting little snapshots of my day and rather than wait for a weekly summary I want to archive and frame these little snapshots while I have the moments fresh in my mind. In the same nature of my gratitude jar, I want warm, hazy memories to look back on when we're covered with snow once again. 

[left to right]
1. the peonies have finally bloomed in my mother's garden - they're honestly my favourite flower with their over the top bursting of blushing petals. if/when I get married that's what my bouquet will be: a lush pick of peonies. 
2. my parents moved their bedroom from the groundfloor to upstairs and the blue room downstairs is slowly but surely transforming into a cozy space full of records and books. but the addition of a print from one of my favourite paintings makes me like the room all the more.
3. I popped into the cafe I used to work at in highschool around the closing hours and ended up having a nice chat and a drink listening to lou reed with my former employer. i had also forgotten about his extensive collection of whimsical china ware. 
4. another shot of the beach from the walk along the water I mentioned in my last post. my crap phone camera does nothing to do the illuminated water justice but I thought I'd try. 
5. & 6. the view from my bedroom was a pretty good vantage point to snap shots and watch the twisting thunder clouds that caught us off guard a couple days ago.
7. & 8. two more beach shots - I couldn't resist. the waters of the atlantic were actually cool versus frigid and I was more than happy to hop around the (albeit slightly slimy) rocks for awhile. 

9. abandoned archway - I unfortunately don't know much about it or the building it stands in front of off the top of my head but I like it nonetheless. 

[left to right]
1. myself and the family drove up to clarenville to do some back to school shopping yesterday and my loveliest momma was kind enough to treat me to a duvet for my bed to bring back to town in a couple weeks. it's like sleeping wrapped in a hug. 
2. my horticulturalist parent's crop of strawberries have been candy sweet and absolutely perfect to pluck from the vine whenever wander around to our back yard. 
3. after telling my father that I wasn't particularly fond of porkchops, he went and proved a point by cooking one perfectly that I loved along with cous-cous and mushrooms & peppers. 
4. the blue room book cases illuminated by evening sunlight. one of my favourite views.
5. mussels were on sale. enough said. paired with white wine and great bread & butter it's pretty much the perfect appetizer in my mind. 
6. another pretty tea cup from the aforementioned visit to the cafe. 
7. sunny day views lying under my maple tree. 

hope august is finding you all well n' good. 

xx.

r   

sea salt bath

       After predictions of further rain keeping everyone tentatively indoors all week (despite said rain not ever showing up) me, myself and I decided the glowing and calm evening that showed up could not be wasted and I tried in vain to get someone to go for a walk along with me. Alas, I could not and I ended up trotting along by myself. For a good hour, I ended up walking along the water front with a coffee and marveling (not for the last time in my life I'm sure), at the perfect golden glow the late evening sun cast over everything, giving foliage and fauna alike the most amazing back-lit golden glow. As I am wont to do when left to my own devices, I ended up sitting on the beach that faces the open harbor. It had been ages since I'd been on a walk here on my own and I'd forgotten how much the shush shush of water on rock calmed me. I can't even put into words the quality of August light in Newfoundland, you really just need to see it for yourself.  Toes curled in the surprisingly pleasant Atlantic, not a breeze in the air; it really is one of my happiest places. 

         
           Painting this tranquil scene leads my to the actual point of this post which is that any time spent solo by the seaside usually puts me to pondering. I'm generally a fairly introverted and solitary person and this summer has been no different. Not to say I'm not social, but I'm more than content to spend time alone. But having severed a few different connections over the past few months has brought some forced perspective, as it were. And, being around certain sights, sounds and and smells of home brings nostalgia to the surface of my mind. These mindsets paired made me poke around the corners of my mind and in a round about way I left the beach to continue my walk feeling more like my old self than I have in awhile.

          I shouldn't say old self, probably my more authentic self. As I've mentioned in other posts, a lot of adult life has left me feeling cynical, jaded. I often worry that things won't or can't inspire me in the same way they did when I was 16 and had nothing but ideas and daydreams ahead of me and to worry about minor responsibilities. I've garnered that over the past few years I've limited myself in a myriad of ways, which, while sad to acknowledge is also useful. People have complimented me a lot of different things through the years, my writing, voice, haircut, etc. And of course, I always say thank you but have I really meant it? Have I truly been taking to heart these commendations of these extensions of me? No, is my answer. 

          Beyond my own internal struggles, there really hasn't been anything truly stopping me from pursuing, molding and refining my skills and passions. If I was asked to wager as to why, I believe it's a toxic combination of laziness and perfectionism. I've never had the natural drive to chase after something to begin with, and, once I see someone else do 'it', be it art, writing, performing, what you will, I automatically think 'clearly there's no point trying now, since I'm not going to attain that level of skill'. As the oft quoted Roosevelt said: 'comparison is the thief of joy' and it's a point I need to be better at reminding myself of. Truly, I'm awful. Mostly because I have the ground work of opportunities many don't: access to post-secondary educations, good health, supportive parents, a great scene of cultural artists to admire and use as inspiration. Essentially I need to learn to stay in my own lane and do the best I can with what I have, whatever that may be. The other more brutal truth is that I needed the time to reflection and once again remember that no one else is going to do the work for me. No one else can go seize the day in the way that I want to but me. In reassessing the ways I would like to define myself, it's part of that contemplative process to regard the journey to these long term goals as worthy of me too. It's not a waste, since all my days regardless of how close or far I am to particular goal or dream, are well intention-ed and worth something to me.
                Of course, I can easily predict I'm going to have a bunch of off days in all of this, but I've purposefully set aside some time to focus on nurturing these parts of myself and really coming into my own in the way I deserve. Remembering that I read somewhere once 'be the version of yourself you needed and looked up to when you were 12' has helped. The dragon-loving, book-inhaling, ceaselessly inspired younger me wants to see future me write a book(s), poetry, travel, learn new languages, master yoga, cook like a pro and embrace good vibes all around.

xx.

r.

weekly musings #7: summer smash

             It's been awhile since I touched base with a weekly summary post, and admittedly this is more of an amalgamation of photos over the last two weeks.  I've been mostly just trying to enjoy summer and the brief intervals of warm days we get. This has got to be the worst summer we've had in like, a decade. For example, it's 12 degrees today and I'm wearing double layers and wool socks. What have Newfoundlanders done as a people to deserve this????

the boreal diner: So, Fixed Coffee Company from town has has got a couple people scouting out this area and they're going to be opening full time next summer. But, they've graced us with a taster opening all this week with the most amazing coffee (holla' @pour over) and delicious menu. Think blueberry & brie and mozzarella & pesto sandwiches and spicy black bean tacos. It's going to be such a great addition to the area and at least for a week I'm glad to have coffee that isn't instant shit. 

the gig life: This has been a good summer for me scoring gigs and I've been enjoying playing for artists readings and at art galleries. I keep meeting really incredible artists and getting showered in compliments is good for the ego. Also, bless good tippers. I've been stretching my repertoire to throw in songs I've always really loved but never took the time to learn and it's a really satisfying feeling to finally play them for an audience. 

honorable mentions: ● savoring the sun when we get it ● comfortable, cozy layers on rainy days ● sooky kittens ● bullet proof coffee ● singing duets that I've always wanted to do ● laughing to the point of tears with my sister and her crazy dance moves ● consuming so many podcasts (I'm 20 going on 40-something) ● less makeup days ● re-watching Twin Peaks ● therapeutic letters ● old ladies who give sweet compliments ● doodling future tattoos ● finally registering for ~official~ majors and minor classes (!!!) ● planning my autumn wardrobe ● also, planning the decor for my new room ● new beginnings in general, truly ● good eyebrow days ● quiet reconciliations ● tiny revelations from my nightly writing ● successful gin cocktail experimentations  

link love:  ● Criminal podcast - I'm just linking the whole page with all episodes because it is just so good. Since I finished Serial I was looking for something else to fill my morbid-fascinations void. Podcasts are now my thing to listen to while cooking or doing filing at work.  ● Here is a link you should check out after listening to Criminal Ep. 23. That will give you a more in depth story but these photographs and letters are worth reading for a peek into our weird compulsions surrounding guilt and the supernatural. 

● Truly digging this black summer ensemble. Airy whites, begone. 

● I'm not getting engaged/married any time soon but this ring is pretty much my ideal nuptials jewelry. 

So, that's all from me for now folks, just enjoying this (eerily fast) hazy summer days. Over and out. 

xx.

r. 

deep breathes

I woke up yesterday to a humid, torrential downpour of rain, a leak in my ceiling and a sense of frustration. Newfoundland isn't known for its hot weather, per say, but this July has been particularly cold and wet. I spent all day getting soaked walking back and forth from work and fussing over the leak and tripping over cabin feverish cats who weren't allowed out into the maelstrom of wind and rain. I had forgotten to get groceries and was approaching a very crabby mood when suddenly the rain ceased and sunshine started peaking through the overhanging clouds. 

I had meant to write on this a couple weeks ago when we had another rainy day which led me to a (if not particularly profound) calming realization. Just like yesterday, this day was was an absolute wreckage of wind and rain but later in the evening I went to let out my yowling cat and realized the storm had lifted.
I stepped outside and was struck by bright sunlight filtering through the remnant fog and sparkling water droplets illuminating everything with late evening sunshine. Sitting there with a warm wind breezing over me, I felt something in me relax. 

~

Again, while this may not be a new or particularly enlightened observation it was a reminder of how similar this storm so easily parallels our own struggles. Particularly with Newfoundland weather, which never starts or stops when it's predicted to, I find life is similar. Difficult times, perpetual funks and gloomy hearts seem to last forever, until they don't. One day you wake up breathing a little easier and can marvel at the sunshine again.

As someone who sees more fog than daylight in the run of a year, I always make a point to mentally tuck away these warm days and moments of intention for days when the rain does return. Observe particular things about these days to scribble down and press between book pages to touch on later. A myriad of birdsong coming from wet trees. The particular petrichor that rises from the earth. Water laden plants, dancing with droplets of water. Families of baby ducks enjoying all the new puddles. The feeling of stripping off damp clothes and making tea and changing into pajamas. How silvery wet fields of tall grass look from a distance. Drifting to sleep with drone of water on window pane.

Maybe I am romanticizing it but at least I can find things to be grateful about. Everything is until it's not. And I'd rather focus on small moments of positivity than try vainly to make the dismal moments move faster. It's a waste of time and energy. I think we need to trust ourselves more to do what we do best persevere. I was struck reading a post somewhere that was a gentle reminder that at the end of the day, you are the one who carries you through dark times. No matter how messy, you find a way to come out the other side. Lamenting over the irretrievable keeps one stuck and takes away from the fact that the only thing that we can rely on is things to change and time to continue marching forward. Write letters to your future self, hide compassionate notes for you to find at a later date, anything to remind you that you will not be miserable forever.  That with enough kindness and trust unto yourself, you will indeed get by.  

xx.

r.

Nature Factory - 2 Rooms Contemporary Art Projects

        Yesterday, foggy, misty and cool for a Newfoundland Saturday in July, I wrapped up in a several layers of brooding, black layers and threw on my Blundstones with some thick socks, for I was off to see  the opening of the newest exhibition at the 2 Rooms contemporary art projects platform. To preface, I've lived in the surrounding area of Duntara for my whole 18 years before moving to St. John's and this was my first time seeing this wonderful and intriguing space. Like I just sort of described, 2 Rooms functions to showcase temporary exhibitions, events, and installations. A lot of the art, but not all of it has ties to Newfoundland in some way so I was enthusiastic to see what had been growing on this scene. The actual building was built in 1881 and is built in the saltbox-style that was so popular in early Newfoundland. Save for the bottom two rooms (which still only have very minimal restorations) the house remains unfinished, with layers of old garish paint interspersed with flakes of old wallpaper and newspaper. The place isn't even insulated, and very much feels skeleton-like. 

         The first few pictures I have here are just random snippets of features of the house itself and tiny portraits of other pieces of art that I saw pinned in tiny corners that weren't part of the feature exhibitions. 

          Here is a link to 2 Room's official website that explains the current exhibit in full: Nature Factory. It'd be tedious to repeat the whole background of each feature here since I can't really say it as succinctly as the artists themselves could describe it. I'd rather just write about my personal impressions and other tidbits I picked up from their talks.

         So these three collages thus far are shots I took of the upstairs interior of the house known as the 'museum' portion. A lot of the work done by the director of 2 Rooms focuses on collected and salvaged pieces, hence the old tools pinned to the wall, random illustrations and collected photography and typography pieces I saw pinned around. She primarily works in watercolour and oils, and those above beetle portraits are hers. I really wanted to buy one, but alas I am poor and they were already purchased.  The overall exhibition had a nature focus and I think she was intending to tie in her table-top collection and other museum pieces to that. Which I think fits really well. From what I understood, she rotates out a variety of collection-style exhibits in the upstairs portion of the house, all centered around a different theme, and I sorely wish I had known about this place sooner so I could have come and seen them.

          The table top collection (or I should say door-top, as it was a salvaged door, I believe) was flora and fauna from Newfoundland, mostly aquatic and nautical themed, like shells, sea pebbles, animal bones, mosses, driftwood, empty crab shells, bird feathers and eggs, dried starfish and more. As someone with a penchant for beach-combing I was fascinated by the sheer amount of each thing she had collected. I have always had a very visceral and emotional affinity to the ocean so all of this really spoke to me and had me having bursts of childhood memories collecting the same things from the beaches around my house.

table top details 1.

table top details 2.  // arranged bones in the stairwell

            Seeing the bones on the shelf, precariously perched above visitors heads in the stairs immediately reminded me of Hannibal, and the recurring stags horns motif. 

seaweed bouquet series

Susan Wood 1. 

Susan Wood 2.

            I really loved Susan Wood's stuff; a collection of 40 stunning ink and watercolour pieces known as 'Specimen'. She collects various insect, animal and flowers and suspends them in her studio to draw in their deceased form. Some (specifically the frog and moth ones) were done by actually inking the specimens themselves onto Washi paper, which is what all the pieces were done on. And, they were layered such that each piece had a lovely waxy, textured appearance to it. Combined with a lovely muted browns, greens and yellows, and the thin line-art reminiscent of Victorian botanical illustrations, I was totally sold. But alas, again I could not afford.

              Probably my favourite series was Thaddeus Holownia's, 'The Terra Nova Suite'. You have to know that most photography of Newfoundland that is on the popular market pretty much looks the same. Over the top, poorly composed HDR friggin' shots of the ocean and trees that do nothing (for me at least) to capture the immensity, the wideness and the quiet splendor that is the natural side of Newfoundland. Within seconds of walking into the lower room and see Thaddeus' pieces, I honestly coudln't stop looking at them. Sadly, I forgot to charge my Canon before coming and was being jostled a bit so the phone shots I got don't do his pictures justice at all.
             He shot these (and a lot of his other series) exclusively on a banquet camera. As the name may suggest, this was a camera type invented to take group pictures of people at banquets. His use of it to shoot landscapes however, does the scale of his subjects total justice. The camera's negative are the same size as the actual photography, 7'x'17 (12'x20' is another version but I don't think he uses that). Regardless, to see them in person really does perfectly capture the quiet and isolated infinity of some Newfoundland spaces. I'm really going on ad nauseam on this point, but one more time: if I had the money, his stuff would be on my wall.

             We were lucky enough after, that Thaddeus trotted out his camera and took a group shot. You have to stand pretty much perfectly still and at one point while he was setting up the group all inexplicably went quiet in unison. For that moment it was just the wind and faint roar of the ocean in our ears. I don't think many people can boast being shot by one of these anymore, but then again I'm not up the news in the photography field so perhaps its more commonly used than I'm aware. Regardless, I liked this shot I quickly managed before he took his own picture. 

            This was my favourite from Sara Angelucci's "Aviary" series. She was the only artist who was unable to make it to the opening, which was a shame because I had a bunch of questions for her. The photographs are made by combining anonymous Victorian "cart-de-visite' portraits she buys off e-Bay with extinct North American birds, via photo manipulation. Her summation of the series is creatures transitioning to ghosts. I thought them whimsical at first but the more I stood and looked at them, the eerier they became. For all of them, the only truly human aspect left to the faces were the eyes and I found their stare unsettling. But I liked them very much nonetheless. 

final few shots of Deb Wickwire's work and other random spots about the house

            I found Deb Wickwire's work to be okay; the image of the codfish as it relates to Newfoundland is a tired one for me, at least in this form. Like great okay, you hung some clay codfish, that's okay as an image but doesn't really speak to the cultural/political ties they have had historically if that's just all you do? I get that it's an intensive process to make them but I still found them merely okay at the end of the day. The fact that each one could pay for a semester's tuition for me also didn't do much to engender any enthusiasm towards them. That came off as expensive for the sake of being expensive to me.

That's pretty much it on this front - phew, what a long, image-heavy post. Hopefully you vicariously enjoyed my experience with 2 Rooms as much as I did.

xx
r.

oh happy day

          So, after a very long haul and nervous wait, I finally received my acceptance letter to study Psychology as my undergrad at uni. This has taken me two long years that were filled with enough doubt and nerves and unmotivated moments to last me for a long time. I know to a lot of people, this isn't even that big of a deal. But it represents a lot. The learning curve for adjusting to university life, the higher and more intense levels or work and independent study were very new and hard for me to grasp. And this was on top of some personal stuff my first year that made my general mental health during this time very difficult. I ended up failing a pre-req course and feeling like I didn't belong in this academic environment at all. Everyone else around me seemed to have their shit together (which is another issue for another post) and I felt like I was never going to find it in myself succeeding in that environment. Being in the classes I'd already heard a lot about, conducting research, all of this felt so elusive and it was really frustrating to want it so much and not be able to succeed in the ways I had wanted.

         Admittedly, there is still room for improvement, but I know I put in a lot of tedious work and committed to a lot of trial and error in figuring out what works best for me to study and learn best. Slower than a lot of people, for sure but I am insanely proud that I did this all on my own. As previously mentioned, this is and was very new to me. I didn't have to work much to get good grades in high school and as a result had pretty poor time management and independent reviewing skills, along with very few decent study methods. The 'studyblr' side of tumblr revealed a plethora of interesting study tips, routines and ideas and I adopted as many as were practical, invested in a day journal and told myself "you get one shot at this, this is just short term pain for long term gain". I went out of my way to find relevant volunteer work, which also ended up giving me excellent friends as well. To be honest, though this year had its painful moments, and times of personal growth and change that were ugly and difficult and hard it has been an amazing one that gives me a lot of hope, optimism and excitement for where my life is heading.

        My general plan is to put my nose back to the grindstone and really kick ass with my initial research and design courses, and put more courses towards my minor as well, because after my first year I'm eligible to apply for the Psychology Honours program, which I'll need to do if I want to apply to graduate school. The other option is too also apply to the co-op program (alternate studying semesters with paid work terms in relevant psychology fields) but I'll need to talk to my adviser before I make any decisions there. I also want to lay the tracks for graduate work by getting more relevant volunteer hours and hopefully get some lab experience before getting official references and such. I mean, god, if I'm being honest this amount of work is intimidating and scary as hell but I'll be damned if I don't take it all by the horns and try because I'd be doing myself a disservice by not giving it my all. I'm eager to work, and I want to learn new things and be open to all kinds of paths and dedicate myself because this is for me, and for my future. Am I the determined, intelligent, impassioned person I think myself to be if I don't work my damndest?

Here's to a challenging and productive future; cheers.

xx

r.

LUSH Wishlist

        As mentioned in my (very) recent previous post, it's raining here, pouring in fact, and has been overcast for the past few days now.  Stuck-in-the-house blues have me compiling a wishlist of things I'm going to get the next time I splurge at LUSH and boredom is making me archive that here.
        I'm a huge fan of LUSH products, mostly because I'm enamored with all the different scents each product has and it always feels so luxe to treat myself with their stuff. And, while it's summer now, I'm looking ahead to another cold and drying winter here on the Rock and in anticipation of a whole different type of blues, I think having an extravagant beauty/shower/bath routine will do a lot to combat that.

1. Jungle Conditioner - My hair has a lot of difficulties with conditioners, they're usually too heavy and leave my hair really weighed down and sort of greasy looking. Which is an issue for someone who styles their hair pretty much everyday, too just try and pile more product on top of that. But, the last time I made a LUSH order, they sent me a Jungle sample and I loved it for the fact that it is so light weight and I love the smell. 

2. Karma Solid Perfume - I might as well admit it here that I'm a huge granola, with a hidden affection for all things bohemian-esque. I've been looking to invest in a new scent and Karma is admittedly drawing me in with a description boasting, patchouli, sweet orange, and lemongrass oils. I'm a sucker for heavier, warm perfumes and something heady like this seems perfect for fall and winter. 

3. Seanik Solid Shampoo - A few things have gotten me really snagged on wanting to try this. One, the bright blue colour. Two, the idea of a solid shampoo in general (apparently they are more economical, plus excellent for traveling) and the scent, yes, the scent, again. One reveiwer describes it has having a distinct 'ocean' smell which I am so here for, and LUSH itself is more specific with lemon oils, mimosa, and jasmine. Plus, winter-fighting ingredients again, with Irish moss and nori seaweed, both which are volumizing as well as moisturizing. 

4. Herbalism Cleanser - I've actually used Herbalism before, in an attempt to control my acne when it was really bad and was hooked on the earthy, herb-y, tangy smell of it. I think my first go with it I was using it too frequently but my intention for it this time would be as a mask and weekly exfoliator.

5. Sultana of Soap - Those harsh Newfoundland winters I mentioned before? Yeah, they get exacerbated by the lack of moisturizing shower products on the market. Yeesh. The goats milk soap I use through the rest of the year is fine for exactly that, seasons where I'm not whizening up. So I specifically went looking through Lush's stocks for a soap that was moisturizing. Sultana boasts coconut oil (which I already have a love affair with), dried currants and apricots, rapeseed oil and the loverly' scent of Bergamot and Olibanum. I'm honestly pretty sold. 

6. Flying Fox Shower Gel - I'm admittedly just a sucker for trying out different shower gels to suit whatever mood I'm in and Flying Fox had jasmine, ylang ylang, and palmorosa oils, cypress oil too and honey to moisturize. Sounds sexy to me. 

7. Silky Underwear Dusting Powder - I already have another one of Lush's dusting powders, Vanilla Puff and love it for it's myriad of uses. I've found it especially useful in these warmer seasons to brush on your skin to absorb any sweat and stop chafing. Between your things, across your back, that irritating under-boob area, anywhere really for general skin silkiness. The only reason I want a different one is that I wasn't sold on this particular version of vanilla scent. There's a note to it that I can't quite put my finger on that I find sickly, but Silky is jasmine, vetivert and shea which is much more up my scent-alley.  

8. Tiny Hands - Another tool in the fight against hard n' cold winters here. I admittedly also have a problem with consistently wearing gloves. I have a weird 'thing' with mittens because they make my hands feel constricted and running to and fro around town and to campus means I'm usually fumbling with my bus card, earphones, day planner, etc. So, I often forgo gloves and end up with dry hands and cracked skin around my fingers. I tried a number of moisturizers that claimed to be heavy-duty but they were pretty ineffective, but the reviews on Tiny Hands have me hopeful. This wee bar contains shea and coca butter, argan oil and aloe vera and a vanilla plus. marigold scent.

Thanks for indulging in some mindless consumerism with me here tonight, kids.  Here's hoping I can find room in the next couple pay checks to order at least a  few of these beauties. Off to drink tea and watch Harry Potter, and work on textile project (which I'll be posting about soon)

xx.

r.

Tenenbaums

         Because today I watched the Royal Tenebaums while tucked up on a rain afternoon I wanted to drop in and say I'm now thoroughly obsessed with this scarlet Scalamandre Zebra wall paper. Please, someone be a dear (and generous benefactor) and buy me some so I can decorate my flat to equal warm, kitschy glory? Can we also just take a moment to  just appreciate the general aesthetic of all Wes Anderson films? Okay? Okay.

xx

r.

transitioning is ugly

So, in typical Rachel fashion, some of the bigger events of my recent life had more meaning and brought to surface other thoughts and conflicts than I had realized.
Post-breakup and post-move, I realized I've crossed some sort of line. I mean of course, moving away from home and starting attending post secondary was a change but I still always had my safety nets and ties to home. The people I was with, the majority of my relationships even after I had moved were still people I had known growing up. So the change was change, but not extreme change.

Your twenties are tagged as the years you're 'figuring yourself' and I can agree with that. It's also messy and embarrassing a lot of the time because you're still at that point where you still don't have the experience under your belt to ~know stuff~ so, for me anyways, I find it is so damnably  hard to work past the bad moments to focus on the better parts of the person I'm becoming. It's not often that twenty year olds gets reminded of that.
So many of my peers and I get consumed with school, work, relationships, holding ourselves up to whatever bar we've set and that's what life becomes about. Of course, you have to hustle to succeed in whatever it is you're pursuing but I feel there's a certain cynicism, or depression that tempers it and not in a good way.

I was browsing tumblr (yes, as always) and a lovely picture of this bright, white homey looking flat appeared on my dash. My instantaneous thought was "At one point in my life, I wouldn't be afraid to dream and strive to have something like this." Yes, it was something a shallow as a nice apartment but the statement is still true. When I was 16, the world was full of possibility, as it is for all naive 16 year olds and I was comfortable wanting certain dreams. After a couple heartbreaks, losing connections, and transitioning to an adult world with responsibilities I didn't have at that age, I feel I've become a bit jaded.  Admittedly a lot of these life experiences have worn me out. I'm not scared to admit that I'm not quite where I pictured.
This is coming off very maudlin, I'm sure. This isn't to say there haven't been moments of laughter and happiness, not at all, just currently my 'big picture' feels off, and I want to change that. I'm not really sure how but I know it needs to happen. The zeal I had for life, the optimism and  confidence I had in myself is not what it was and I miss that part of myself. I miss feeling like my place in the world is and was completely legitimate and that I contribute by being me. It starts by being brave and trusting that things will work out. This is not to excuse that I won't put in the work when it's necessary or that I'm going to unaccountable for myself but I need to accept that while there are things that are ultimately out of my control, I will be okay.

xx

r.

everything you need to know about getting a septum piercing

Here. Have a far too close shot of my lower face. As you can see I do indeed have my septum pierced, a piercing I've always loved the aesthetic of and finally found the courage to book an appointment for. I got it done March 28th, so I've had for a few weeks now, but I wouldn't say it's one-hundred percent healed. I kind of wanted to talk about my experience with it since I want to add to the information out there. I know I was researching compulsively before I got my own done.

the basics: So you probably already know what the process is but what mine was sitting back on an extended piercer's chair, and he found my sweet spot (stick your fingers in your nose and find the ridge that's not cartilage right inside your nostrils) and clamped with these special 'scissors' that have a hollow tunnel on either end rather than blades. This didn't really hurt but it's a pinching pressure. He turned my head to the side to make sure his placement was right and then he slid the piercing needle through (side note: I got done at a 16 gauge) and then undid the jewelry and slid that in place of the placer needle.

the pain: Okay, so to preface I also have my conch pierced and that is a pretty thick bit of cartilage. The reason I bring this up is that I kind of wanted to compare. Technically I would say my conch hurt more because it was going through cartilage, but because of the angle of it was faster so I wasn't as aware of the pain for as long as I was with my septum. It took longer to get the jewelry in, which didn't really hurt at all but it was being 'picked' at longer so it felt higher on the pain scale. So overall I'd rate it at about a 5 or 6 out of 10. Some people don't have any pain at all, it depends on you and your nose. But I should state to about the sweet spot I mentioned earlier: some people's are too small or too difficult for the piercer to get at so you may (if you still want to) have to get it pierced through the actual cartilage part of the nose, which accounts for other people's experiences where it was more painful for them. Most people's sweet spots are accessible however.

the healing: like I just mentioned I wouldn't consider this one fully healed yet but in terms of the healing process, in comparison to my conch piercing was much easier. Comparing the pain I felt after both of these piercing, my conch definitely hurt more and for longer. My septum initially only hurt if I knocked it accidentally or moved my face in a way that sort of elongated my top lip (re: that face you make when applying mascara or rubbing your lips together). Beyond that it never bled or was swollen, so I took tylenol when the pain gave me headache, but that wasn't often. I generally just left it to do it's own thing and avoided touching it which the only time it was actually tender.

top tips: 

• "don't touch"- Seriously, just don't pick at it! If you get yours done with a horseshoe like mine, either commit to having it flipped up if you need to hide it or leave it down. Moving it only irritates the new hole and prevents scar tissue from forming. The temptation will be there to touch it but not only is that going to transfer bacteria/germs it'll only make your healing process longer. 
• "don't over clean" - Learned this the hard way personally. The inside of your nose is mucous membrane and prone to drying and any cleaning spray that your piercer gives you (which I would recommend by the way) or soap shouldn't be used a lot. You're going to dry out the membranes and make everything itchy and dry and consequentially you're going to want to pick. I cleaned mine probably once a day after initially getting it and then cut back to every second day.
• "boogers and crusties will happen, panic not" - Here is where salt soaks become your friend. If you can feel the crusties and see boogers, dissolve a teaspoon of salt in hot water and let it cool. Preferably do this in a smallish bowl so that after the solution cools you can stand over a sink and tip the brim up past your nose so your piercing is in the solution. Soak for 1-3 minutes and repeat a couple times and then gently use a q-tip to clean anything away. 
• "invest in q-tips" - Just do it. And keep them on your person always. I find it's easier to remove...stuff with and they're really good for spraying some cleaning solution on kind of twisting up into each nostril and leaving to soak the pierced hole directly. You'll like some kind of weird walrus but just trust me. 

And that's pretty much it! I'll hopefully be changing my jewelry to a clicker soon so I'll let you know how that works out and what to expect. If I do an online order for jewelry I'll most likely post a review as well.

Convince you to get your septum done? Generally helpful? If you have any other questions, comment! 

xx.

r

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on retaining that spark

A day to day issue of mine arises as I often (admittedly mindlessly) scroll through tumblr. Do I commit to keepin' up dat' on point aesthetic by solely reblogging art pieces and muffled photography, or can I succumb to being a fangirl and reblog Twin Peaks graphics and gut-busting vines?
This originates from a very specific space within me. I grew up being that kid immersed in books and subsequently their fantasy world. I went through a phase where I passionately believed dragons were real and searched for them in my wee sea side town. I think mostly that came from not fitting in at all and needing, as books are wont to provide, an escape.
But I won't lie, and more specifically don't want to lie a small part of me is still that little girl who saved up to buy a fur trimmed cape; I want dragons to be real. 
Part of me is still retaining that hope that one day I'm going to wake up to the news and there's going be some kick-ass discovery and it will blow me out of the water. I will be that fantasy-obsessed dork forever.

Reflecting again on my younger self, I was so passionately into anything and everything that really spoke to me. But I also recall teasing, some of it intended in a kind way but I still remember being embarrassed. I feel that now at 20 that a lot of my peers would rather give off this aloof, distanced self and I feel like we don't allow ourselves to be as enthusiastic about the things that spin our cogs like we did when we were children. And that we're restricted to things that are "cultured". This may be a one-sided observation on my part as I'll admit I haven't met the whole of my student body/peer group but I just general feel the divide myself. I guess that's what I mean by that 'spark'. There's this distinct pigeon-holing I feel, especially at university, that I can't both engage in something 'sophisticated' like feminist discourse and then go home and lose my shit over the new Hannibal teaser trailers or re-listen to Hilary Duff and unashamedly sing along to Come Clean because, hey, that was my mid-2000's anthem, dammit.  That I can't both cultivate my mind with more complex books and art, and become more socially aware but also watch dumb vines at 1:00 in the morning and cry laughing, heaving silently.  
I want to resist this because I feel it contributes to that type of person who will sneer at parties or in general conversation when you show a shade of zeal for things that aren't that trendy, young-adult shit. Oh gee, let me just rush to join that "I think I'm too good for pop culture" band wagon. I'm going to ride my cart down the grocery aisle when no one's looking. I'm also occasionally going to re-read the books that kept me going at 12 and relish in the characters and their ability to enter realms and fight beasties. I'll happily have the occasional one-person dance party to One Direction.

I don't want this to come across as self-congratulatory or even that I'm a ~special snowflake~ for observing this fact but I wanted to reflect on this aspect of myself since I'd never really archived these particular thoughts anywhere before.  My only hope is that I just want to make sure I never get to a point where I think that I'm too good for the things once inspired me or that I ever sneer or belittle the interests of others, so long as they're not problematic (bronies anyone?)

  xx.
r

On Breaking Up

not mine; credit to artist

After a year and eight months together, my boyfriend and I mutually decided that we were no longer heading in the same direction and connecting in the same way and then, I was single. Simple and yet wholly complicated all in the one go.  
I am in the process of trying to be kind to myself and healing. 

I wanted to use this space to kind of reflect and share what I've been using in this process to see it as growth and a new beginning. All endings and all goodbyes are difficult no matter what way you try to package it.

i. allow yourself to mourn - I assume that no matter how short or long your relationship was, there was an initial reason you were in it and a bunch of good memories that you still have. Allow yourself to recognize that this is the best decision for your long term self but that your present mind and heart should be allowed to be upset and cry and be angry or deal with this transition in whatever way. 

ii. don't lose yourself to grief - While in the process of grieving do not lose sight of the long term; I suggest giving yourself a deadline. Comfort food and living in your pajamas or succumbing to whatever vices it is that one has only feels good for a short period of time. Don't let that drag out. 

iii. keep the chattiness to a minimum - Use your support systems by all means, but airing your dirty laundry to any joe who will listen is not only disrespectful to the relationship you had but it could come back to bite you in the ass. It's a natural response to want to find life boats in hard times but pick and chose who knows the details.

iv. pick up yoga - This is a specific suggestion from yours truly. I finished my practice this morning with the intention of self love and felt very restored and peaceful at the end of it. This might not be your cup of tea, but I suggest trying it. Just physically being in touch with your body and inner self and acknowledging your feelings is healthy.

Not mine; credit to artist

v. write - for some it'll be a big temptation to keep stringing out contact with your ex but unless you absolutely have to, don't. Give at minimum 60 days. In the mean time, start journaling. Vent those feelings, write impassioned and angry letters to your former partner. Not all these thoughts need to actually be voiced to anyone but again, acknowledge them. 

vi. make new goals - Whenever one comes to you writer it down. I don't care if it's some small habit you've been meaning to instill in your daily life or jet setting off  to Amsterdam, writer them down. Focus on yourself and the person you were and are before you were part of a unit. You're still that person and try to see this as a time of nurturing and tending to your goals and interest. 

vii.  find new things to focus on - It's a weird feeling to realize that a lot of your music and shows and foods were shared and associated with your partner, so that you try to sit down and watch Better Call Saul and are only plagued with memories. Compile a list of new shows to watch, and better books to read and new routines to form. I'm not trying to beat a dead horse but remember you were single at other points in your life and still enjoyed all sorts of things all on your own. Come back to these shows and songs when you're ready.

vii. don't rebound - I honestly don't care how attractive your new...attraction is: it's not worth it. Even if you don't think your breakup was particularly messy it's probably not a good idea to inflict/invest yourself in another person just yet. I know that it's tempting to find another source of affection but really, take this time to focus on loving yourself and being comfortable alone first.

other ideas: ¨ buy new underwear ¨ on that note, maybe buy new sheets ¨ rearrange your room and change its decor ¨ pet an animal ¨ prioritize your physical health ¨ if you're feeling blue a little too frequently, start having kick-ass one person dance parties ¨ get in touch with nature and take a long walk, swim or hike ¨ buy a little trinket and 'marry' yourself, with some self-love vows ¨ invest in a new perfume/signature scent ¨ create a new project to invest your time in ¨ look into EFT tapping ¨ for the love of god, avoid stalking them on social media ¨ don't seek revenge-sex with their friends, just don't (buy a sex toy instead) ¨ allow yourself to cry and/or scream when you need to

That's all for now babes, hopefully you're all doing wonderful and that you'll see more of me here now that uni is out for summer break - lots of light and love.

r.