Tenenbaums

         Because today I watched the Royal Tenebaums while tucked up on a rain afternoon I wanted to drop in and say I'm now thoroughly obsessed with this scarlet Scalamandre Zebra wall paper. Please, someone be a dear (and generous benefactor) and buy me some so I can decorate my flat to equal warm, kitschy glory? Can we also just take a moment to  just appreciate the general aesthetic of all Wes Anderson films? Okay? Okay.

xx

r.

transitioning is ugly

So, in typical Rachel fashion, some of the bigger events of my recent life had more meaning and brought to surface other thoughts and conflicts than I had realized.
Post-breakup and post-move, I realized I've crossed some sort of line. I mean of course, moving away from home and starting attending post secondary was a change but I still always had my safety nets and ties to home. The people I was with, the majority of my relationships even after I had moved were still people I had known growing up. So the change was change, but not extreme change.

Your twenties are tagged as the years you're 'figuring yourself' and I can agree with that. It's also messy and embarrassing a lot of the time because you're still at that point where you still don't have the experience under your belt to ~know stuff~ so, for me anyways, I find it is so damnably  hard to work past the bad moments to focus on the better parts of the person I'm becoming. It's not often that twenty year olds gets reminded of that.
So many of my peers and I get consumed with school, work, relationships, holding ourselves up to whatever bar we've set and that's what life becomes about. Of course, you have to hustle to succeed in whatever it is you're pursuing but I feel there's a certain cynicism, or depression that tempers it and not in a good way.

I was browsing tumblr (yes, as always) and a lovely picture of this bright, white homey looking flat appeared on my dash. My instantaneous thought was "At one point in my life, I wouldn't be afraid to dream and strive to have something like this." Yes, it was something a shallow as a nice apartment but the statement is still true. When I was 16, the world was full of possibility, as it is for all naive 16 year olds and I was comfortable wanting certain dreams. After a couple heartbreaks, losing connections, and transitioning to an adult world with responsibilities I didn't have at that age, I feel I've become a bit jaded.  Admittedly a lot of these life experiences have worn me out. I'm not scared to admit that I'm not quite where I pictured.
This is coming off very maudlin, I'm sure. This isn't to say there haven't been moments of laughter and happiness, not at all, just currently my 'big picture' feels off, and I want to change that. I'm not really sure how but I know it needs to happen. The zeal I had for life, the optimism and  confidence I had in myself is not what it was and I miss that part of myself. I miss feeling like my place in the world is and was completely legitimate and that I contribute by being me. It starts by being brave and trusting that things will work out. This is not to excuse that I won't put in the work when it's necessary or that I'm going to unaccountable for myself but I need to accept that while there are things that are ultimately out of my control, I will be okay.

xx

r.

everything you need to know about getting a septum piercing

Here. Have a far too close shot of my lower face. As you can see I do indeed have my septum pierced, a piercing I've always loved the aesthetic of and finally found the courage to book an appointment for. I got it done March 28th, so I've had for a few weeks now, but I wouldn't say it's one-hundred percent healed. I kind of wanted to talk about my experience with it since I want to add to the information out there. I know I was researching compulsively before I got my own done.

the basics: So you probably already know what the process is but what mine was sitting back on an extended piercer's chair, and he found my sweet spot (stick your fingers in your nose and find the ridge that's not cartilage right inside your nostrils) and clamped with these special 'scissors' that have a hollow tunnel on either end rather than blades. This didn't really hurt but it's a pinching pressure. He turned my head to the side to make sure his placement was right and then he slid the piercing needle through (side note: I got done at a 16 gauge) and then undid the jewelry and slid that in place of the placer needle.

the pain: Okay, so to preface I also have my conch pierced and that is a pretty thick bit of cartilage. The reason I bring this up is that I kind of wanted to compare. Technically I would say my conch hurt more because it was going through cartilage, but because of the angle of it was faster so I wasn't as aware of the pain for as long as I was with my septum. It took longer to get the jewelry in, which didn't really hurt at all but it was being 'picked' at longer so it felt higher on the pain scale. So overall I'd rate it at about a 5 or 6 out of 10. Some people don't have any pain at all, it depends on you and your nose. But I should state to about the sweet spot I mentioned earlier: some people's are too small or too difficult for the piercer to get at so you may (if you still want to) have to get it pierced through the actual cartilage part of the nose, which accounts for other people's experiences where it was more painful for them. Most people's sweet spots are accessible however.

the healing: like I just mentioned I wouldn't consider this one fully healed yet but in terms of the healing process, in comparison to my conch piercing was much easier. Comparing the pain I felt after both of these piercing, my conch definitely hurt more and for longer. My septum initially only hurt if I knocked it accidentally or moved my face in a way that sort of elongated my top lip (re: that face you make when applying mascara or rubbing your lips together). Beyond that it never bled or was swollen, so I took tylenol when the pain gave me headache, but that wasn't often. I generally just left it to do it's own thing and avoided touching it which the only time it was actually tender.

top tips: 

• "don't touch"- Seriously, just don't pick at it! If you get yours done with a horseshoe like mine, either commit to having it flipped up if you need to hide it or leave it down. Moving it only irritates the new hole and prevents scar tissue from forming. The temptation will be there to touch it but not only is that going to transfer bacteria/germs it'll only make your healing process longer. 
• "don't over clean" - Learned this the hard way personally. The inside of your nose is mucous membrane and prone to drying and any cleaning spray that your piercer gives you (which I would recommend by the way) or soap shouldn't be used a lot. You're going to dry out the membranes and make everything itchy and dry and consequentially you're going to want to pick. I cleaned mine probably once a day after initially getting it and then cut back to every second day.
• "boogers and crusties will happen, panic not" - Here is where salt soaks become your friend. If you can feel the crusties and see boogers, dissolve a teaspoon of salt in hot water and let it cool. Preferably do this in a smallish bowl so that after the solution cools you can stand over a sink and tip the brim up past your nose so your piercing is in the solution. Soak for 1-3 minutes and repeat a couple times and then gently use a q-tip to clean anything away. 
• "invest in q-tips" - Just do it. And keep them on your person always. I find it's easier to remove...stuff with and they're really good for spraying some cleaning solution on kind of twisting up into each nostril and leaving to soak the pierced hole directly. You'll like some kind of weird walrus but just trust me. 

And that's pretty much it! I'll hopefully be changing my jewelry to a clicker soon so I'll let you know how that works out and what to expect. If I do an online order for jewelry I'll most likely post a review as well.

Convince you to get your septum done? Generally helpful? If you have any other questions, comment! 

xx.

r

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on retaining that spark

A day to day issue of mine arises as I often (admittedly mindlessly) scroll through tumblr. Do I commit to keepin' up dat' on point aesthetic by solely reblogging art pieces and muffled photography, or can I succumb to being a fangirl and reblog Twin Peaks graphics and gut-busting vines?
This originates from a very specific space within me. I grew up being that kid immersed in books and subsequently their fantasy world. I went through a phase where I passionately believed dragons were real and searched for them in my wee sea side town. I think mostly that came from not fitting in at all and needing, as books are wont to provide, an escape.
But I won't lie, and more specifically don't want to lie a small part of me is still that little girl who saved up to buy a fur trimmed cape; I want dragons to be real. 
Part of me is still retaining that hope that one day I'm going to wake up to the news and there's going be some kick-ass discovery and it will blow me out of the water. I will be that fantasy-obsessed dork forever.

Reflecting again on my younger self, I was so passionately into anything and everything that really spoke to me. But I also recall teasing, some of it intended in a kind way but I still remember being embarrassed. I feel that now at 20 that a lot of my peers would rather give off this aloof, distanced self and I feel like we don't allow ourselves to be as enthusiastic about the things that spin our cogs like we did when we were children. And that we're restricted to things that are "cultured". This may be a one-sided observation on my part as I'll admit I haven't met the whole of my student body/peer group but I just general feel the divide myself. I guess that's what I mean by that 'spark'. There's this distinct pigeon-holing I feel, especially at university, that I can't both engage in something 'sophisticated' like feminist discourse and then go home and lose my shit over the new Hannibal teaser trailers or re-listen to Hilary Duff and unashamedly sing along to Come Clean because, hey, that was my mid-2000's anthem, dammit.  That I can't both cultivate my mind with more complex books and art, and become more socially aware but also watch dumb vines at 1:00 in the morning and cry laughing, heaving silently.  
I want to resist this because I feel it contributes to that type of person who will sneer at parties or in general conversation when you show a shade of zeal for things that aren't that trendy, young-adult shit. Oh gee, let me just rush to join that "I think I'm too good for pop culture" band wagon. I'm going to ride my cart down the grocery aisle when no one's looking. I'm also occasionally going to re-read the books that kept me going at 12 and relish in the characters and their ability to enter realms and fight beasties. I'll happily have the occasional one-person dance party to One Direction.

I don't want this to come across as self-congratulatory or even that I'm a ~special snowflake~ for observing this fact but I wanted to reflect on this aspect of myself since I'd never really archived these particular thoughts anywhere before.  My only hope is that I just want to make sure I never get to a point where I think that I'm too good for the things once inspired me or that I ever sneer or belittle the interests of others, so long as they're not problematic (bronies anyone?)

  xx.
r

On Breaking Up

not mine; credit to artist

After a year and eight months together, my boyfriend and I mutually decided that we were no longer heading in the same direction and connecting in the same way and then, I was single. Simple and yet wholly complicated all in the one go.  
I am in the process of trying to be kind to myself and healing. 

I wanted to use this space to kind of reflect and share what I've been using in this process to see it as growth and a new beginning. All endings and all goodbyes are difficult no matter what way you try to package it.

i. allow yourself to mourn - I assume that no matter how short or long your relationship was, there was an initial reason you were in it and a bunch of good memories that you still have. Allow yourself to recognize that this is the best decision for your long term self but that your present mind and heart should be allowed to be upset and cry and be angry or deal with this transition in whatever way. 

ii. don't lose yourself to grief - While in the process of grieving do not lose sight of the long term; I suggest giving yourself a deadline. Comfort food and living in your pajamas or succumbing to whatever vices it is that one has only feels good for a short period of time. Don't let that drag out. 

iii. keep the chattiness to a minimum - Use your support systems by all means, but airing your dirty laundry to any joe who will listen is not only disrespectful to the relationship you had but it could come back to bite you in the ass. It's a natural response to want to find life boats in hard times but pick and chose who knows the details.

iv. pick up yoga - This is a specific suggestion from yours truly. I finished my practice this morning with the intention of self love and felt very restored and peaceful at the end of it. This might not be your cup of tea, but I suggest trying it. Just physically being in touch with your body and inner self and acknowledging your feelings is healthy.

Not mine; credit to artist

v. write - for some it'll be a big temptation to keep stringing out contact with your ex but unless you absolutely have to, don't. Give at minimum 60 days. In the mean time, start journaling. Vent those feelings, write impassioned and angry letters to your former partner. Not all these thoughts need to actually be voiced to anyone but again, acknowledge them. 

vi. make new goals - Whenever one comes to you writer it down. I don't care if it's some small habit you've been meaning to instill in your daily life or jet setting off  to Amsterdam, writer them down. Focus on yourself and the person you were and are before you were part of a unit. You're still that person and try to see this as a time of nurturing and tending to your goals and interest. 

vii.  find new things to focus on - It's a weird feeling to realize that a lot of your music and shows and foods were shared and associated with your partner, so that you try to sit down and watch Better Call Saul and are only plagued with memories. Compile a list of new shows to watch, and better books to read and new routines to form. I'm not trying to beat a dead horse but remember you were single at other points in your life and still enjoyed all sorts of things all on your own. Come back to these shows and songs when you're ready.

vii. don't rebound - I honestly don't care how attractive your new...attraction is: it's not worth it. Even if you don't think your breakup was particularly messy it's probably not a good idea to inflict/invest yourself in another person just yet. I know that it's tempting to find another source of affection but really, take this time to focus on loving yourself and being comfortable alone first.

other ideas: ¨ buy new underwear ¨ on that note, maybe buy new sheets ¨ rearrange your room and change its decor ¨ pet an animal ¨ prioritize your physical health ¨ if you're feeling blue a little too frequently, start having kick-ass one person dance parties ¨ get in touch with nature and take a long walk, swim or hike ¨ buy a little trinket and 'marry' yourself, with some self-love vows ¨ invest in a new perfume/signature scent ¨ create a new project to invest your time in ¨ look into EFT tapping ¨ for the love of god, avoid stalking them on social media ¨ don't seek revenge-sex with their friends, just don't (buy a sex toy instead) ¨ allow yourself to cry and/or scream when you need to

That's all for now babes, hopefully you're all doing wonderful and that you'll see more of me here now that uni is out for summer break - lots of light and love.

r.