on retaining that spark

A day to day issue of mine arises as I often (admittedly mindlessly) scroll through tumblr. Do I commit to keepin' up dat' on point aesthetic by solely reblogging art pieces and muffled photography, or can I succumb to being a fangirl and reblog Twin Peaks graphics and gut-busting vines?
This originates from a very specific space within me. I grew up being that kid immersed in books and subsequently their fantasy world. I went through a phase where I passionately believed dragons were real and searched for them in my wee sea side town. I think mostly that came from not fitting in at all and needing, as books are wont to provide, an escape.
But I won't lie, and more specifically don't want to lie a small part of me is still that little girl who saved up to buy a fur trimmed cape; I want dragons to be real. 
Part of me is still retaining that hope that one day I'm going to wake up to the news and there's going be some kick-ass discovery and it will blow me out of the water. I will be that fantasy-obsessed dork forever.

Reflecting again on my younger self, I was so passionately into anything and everything that really spoke to me. But I also recall teasing, some of it intended in a kind way but I still remember being embarrassed. I feel that now at 20 that a lot of my peers would rather give off this aloof, distanced self and I feel like we don't allow ourselves to be as enthusiastic about the things that spin our cogs like we did when we were children. And that we're restricted to things that are "cultured". This may be a one-sided observation on my part as I'll admit I haven't met the whole of my student body/peer group but I just general feel the divide myself. I guess that's what I mean by that 'spark'. There's this distinct pigeon-holing I feel, especially at university, that I can't both engage in something 'sophisticated' like feminist discourse and then go home and lose my shit over the new Hannibal teaser trailers or re-listen to Hilary Duff and unashamedly sing along to Come Clean because, hey, that was my mid-2000's anthem, dammit.  That I can't both cultivate my mind with more complex books and art, and become more socially aware but also watch dumb vines at 1:00 in the morning and cry laughing, heaving silently.  
I want to resist this because I feel it contributes to that type of person who will sneer at parties or in general conversation when you show a shade of zeal for things that aren't that trendy, young-adult shit. Oh gee, let me just rush to join that "I think I'm too good for pop culture" band wagon. I'm going to ride my cart down the grocery aisle when no one's looking. I'm also occasionally going to re-read the books that kept me going at 12 and relish in the characters and their ability to enter realms and fight beasties. I'll happily have the occasional one-person dance party to One Direction.

I don't want this to come across as self-congratulatory or even that I'm a ~special snowflake~ for observing this fact but I wanted to reflect on this aspect of myself since I'd never really archived these particular thoughts anywhere before.  My only hope is that I just want to make sure I never get to a point where I think that I'm too good for the things once inspired me or that I ever sneer or belittle the interests of others, so long as they're not problematic (bronies anyone?)

  xx.
r

On Breaking Up

not mine; credit to artist

After a year and eight months together, my boyfriend and I mutually decided that we were no longer heading in the same direction and connecting in the same way and then, I was single. Simple and yet wholly complicated all in the one go.  
I am in the process of trying to be kind to myself and healing. 

I wanted to use this space to kind of reflect and share what I've been using in this process to see it as growth and a new beginning. All endings and all goodbyes are difficult no matter what way you try to package it.

i. allow yourself to mourn - I assume that no matter how short or long your relationship was, there was an initial reason you were in it and a bunch of good memories that you still have. Allow yourself to recognize that this is the best decision for your long term self but that your present mind and heart should be allowed to be upset and cry and be angry or deal with this transition in whatever way. 

ii. don't lose yourself to grief - While in the process of grieving do not lose sight of the long term; I suggest giving yourself a deadline. Comfort food and living in your pajamas or succumbing to whatever vices it is that one has only feels good for a short period of time. Don't let that drag out. 

iii. keep the chattiness to a minimum - Use your support systems by all means, but airing your dirty laundry to any joe who will listen is not only disrespectful to the relationship you had but it could come back to bite you in the ass. It's a natural response to want to find life boats in hard times but pick and chose who knows the details.

iv. pick up yoga - This is a specific suggestion from yours truly. I finished my practice this morning with the intention of self love and felt very restored and peaceful at the end of it. This might not be your cup of tea, but I suggest trying it. Just physically being in touch with your body and inner self and acknowledging your feelings is healthy.

Not mine; credit to artist

v. write - for some it'll be a big temptation to keep stringing out contact with your ex but unless you absolutely have to, don't. Give at minimum 60 days. In the mean time, start journaling. Vent those feelings, write impassioned and angry letters to your former partner. Not all these thoughts need to actually be voiced to anyone but again, acknowledge them. 

vi. make new goals - Whenever one comes to you writer it down. I don't care if it's some small habit you've been meaning to instill in your daily life or jet setting off  to Amsterdam, writer them down. Focus on yourself and the person you were and are before you were part of a unit. You're still that person and try to see this as a time of nurturing and tending to your goals and interest. 

vii.  find new things to focus on - It's a weird feeling to realize that a lot of your music and shows and foods were shared and associated with your partner, so that you try to sit down and watch Better Call Saul and are only plagued with memories. Compile a list of new shows to watch, and better books to read and new routines to form. I'm not trying to beat a dead horse but remember you were single at other points in your life and still enjoyed all sorts of things all on your own. Come back to these shows and songs when you're ready.

vii. don't rebound - I honestly don't care how attractive your new...attraction is: it's not worth it. Even if you don't think your breakup was particularly messy it's probably not a good idea to inflict/invest yourself in another person just yet. I know that it's tempting to find another source of affection but really, take this time to focus on loving yourself and being comfortable alone first.

other ideas: ¨ buy new underwear ¨ on that note, maybe buy new sheets ¨ rearrange your room and change its decor ¨ pet an animal ¨ prioritize your physical health ¨ if you're feeling blue a little too frequently, start having kick-ass one person dance parties ¨ get in touch with nature and take a long walk, swim or hike ¨ buy a little trinket and 'marry' yourself, with some self-love vows ¨ invest in a new perfume/signature scent ¨ create a new project to invest your time in ¨ look into EFT tapping ¨ for the love of god, avoid stalking them on social media ¨ don't seek revenge-sex with their friends, just don't (buy a sex toy instead) ¨ allow yourself to cry and/or scream when you need to

That's all for now babes, hopefully you're all doing wonderful and that you'll see more of me here now that uni is out for summer break - lots of light and love.

r.

on today I realized:

I also bought some amazing colorful pens today in an effort to show myself some small, materialistic kindness. Peace out. 

light and love
r.

Weekly Musings #6: february blues

Hello again - a valiant effort to stay on track this evening with my review failed miserably since I wanted so awfully to touch base here and kind of just do a round up of the stuff that's been going on in my life recently. February hasn't been what I'll call overly kind to me so far, so it's living up to its cliche, one would suppose. Nothing in particular coming up on the horizon and its just felt a little down in general what with the butt-tonne of snow and lots of school work. To try and counteract these gloomy moments, I've been trying to actively write down or point out the more positive things that have happened thus far.

David's Tea strawberry rhubarb parfait // slippers at home for midterm break // bus stop loveliness // vegetarian meal prep

Midterm break-breather: Such as it always happens with me, I dip suddenly after a few weeks/month of being back at school. I know I've touched on how important home/family is to me a few times here and I doubt I'll stop bringing it up. A few days back around the blustery ocean to play scrabble and drink wine with my parents and sister was lovely. And catching up on sleep and work without feeling completely bogged down did wonders for my general sense of peace and mental clarity. Plus, time with my lovely cats is something I can never say no to. 

Contemplation: This one is vague and kind of abstract I'll admit, but I've just generally found the "noise" in my head is less of a flurry and more something I can actually manage and actually process recently. Of course, more often than not it's still all kind of overwhelming and harried, but I've been finding I've been having more clear days than anything else. Even if whatever I'm contemplating isn't the most lovely thought to be thinking, at least I'm being honest with myself, and that does a lot for my mental health in the long run.

homemade waffles (midterm break)

Honorable mentions: ● trying out new ideas for my weekly meal prep and having them be insanely delicious ● peppermint coffee ● finding long forgotten favorite novels ● new pillows ● toast with peanut butter and honey ● finding the time to actually do my makeup nicely and feeling like a total fox ● the lovely people I volunteer with ● safe spaces for critical debates and feminist fun ● prioritizing my yoga practice again and it not being about anyone but me ● a tidy bedroom ● getting into watching the old Twilight Zone ● earplugs (hallelujah) ● successful new note-taking methods ● days that feel like spring ● anticipation for treating myself to a new piercing ● more anticipation for an upcoming performance ● feeling in touch with music again  ● OPI's "love is hot and coal"; such a rad nail colour ● compliments on my Blundstones from a bus driver ● Binge watching How To Get Away With Murder

Link love: ● Someone please buy me these stunning white cat-eye shades for spring? (!!)

● Holla' at me for Valentino's Pre-Fall 2015 collection because oh my god, my obsession with astrology is soaring to new heights. (The capeeesss)
● I've also finally found a way I really enjoy eating salmon, so I'm telling you all to go try this now.

That's all from your slightly forlorn blogger for now, folks; back to the books - has February likewise gotten you down? What silver linings have you found? Much love!

r.

style: winter blues

Hello babes! So I took the advantage of my free morning to actually post an outfit. This is something new to me and I'm doing it in the hopes it'll help me reflect and refine my style. Part of being on campus (and also living in Newfoundland) is striking the right chord between practicality, comfort and style. I'm still trying to figure out what elements feel the most 'me', which is more of a challenge than I thought. I've always been a big believer that your clothes and personal style are an excellent form of self expression and I was always slow to the game on it. I can always recognize uniqueness and originality in others but I find it hard when it comes to me because I want to wear 50 different identities at once. 

So, yeah, it's a slow process. Reflecting on this outfit: I like the layers; as a busty girl finding ways to dress your boobs (let's be frank here, that's what you have to do) is not always easy and I'm drawn towards more masculine aesthetics anyways. Again, striking the right chord isn't always easy. 

This is just casual-ness for a day of volunteering, picking up some odds and ends and running to my psychology of sexual health class. Button up shirts are my best friend, not going to lie. As are the Blundstones I'm going to throw on with this. I'm going to do a review of those real soon, truthfully because they are SUCH a cold/wet weather essential. 

pearls & earrings - gifts // jeans & oxford button down -GAP // sheer gardigan - F21

Not pictured, the kickass vintage cabin sock I threw on after. Coziness is key. 

Apologies for the mirror pics, I'll try to find a better venue for photographs soon! Hope you're all having a lovely day!
r.